This car accident has turned my life upside down. When I mean upside down I mean to the point where I am hitting rock bottom, losing control mentally. The car accident was like an atomic bomb that went off inside me, most would think that is an exaggeration, but to me that is how I feel. It’s like my body is in a million pieces and I just don’t have the time to pick them all up and find a way to piece them back together before the clocks up.  I have had many problems throughout my life, but this sent me overboard and I can’t even explain or understand myself. I still remember the day of the accident like it was yesterday. Sitting as the passenger in our minivan, as my aunt turns left I can see car clear as day coming right for us and there was no power to stop it. I remember sitting there in the seat thinking what the hell just happen was I dreaming or was that real? I can hear my aunt say I can’t move with such panic in her voice it was so scary to see someone barely able to stay conscious as I only can focus on my chest feeling like it is broken and I need to call anyone to tell them what just happen. As the girl jumps out of her car that went straight in to our van and repeating “ I am so sorry” with so much fear her eyes. I am sitting there trying to not focus on that while I sit shaking try getting a hold of a family member. In these next 5 minutes everything was such a blur because there was three men talking all at once and my aunt trying to get out of the van and her repeating that she can’t move her foot and it might be broken. I just wanted to get out of the van, but I felt so faintish. Once my aunt laid down in the back I went in to a panic attack because she was dripping blood, and barely speaking or staying awake. In that moment of shock I really had those feelings of fear like is she going to make it what is wrong with her especially when she is bleeding from her head. I heard the faint signs of the sirens, inside it were like relief because help was on its way. I just remember telling the fire fighter that I was fine even though I wasn’t I feel so stupid, I was just so concerned to lose someone so close. Once we got in the ambulance I felt so terrified and alone. The days just got worse from there which I knew was going to happen but I was not prepared as much I wish I was. Every night I cried myself to sleep which stop after a while but it was the only way I could deal mentally. I am not going to describe all the pain it was just very painful over the next week. The first day back to work was hell, I had to go home after two hours what an epic fail. In those 2 hours my shoulder just killed and I was so nervous trying to stay positive. I even broke a light bulb in front of everyone how embarrassing. I stayed on four hours shifts for another two weeks after that because I felt I needed to prove that I am fine. Why should I complain I am alive right? Well I got over the pain not saying it wasn’t there but I got into days were the pain faded even though all I felt like was doing was sleeping and not doing anything and I was on edge 24/7. That should have been a red flag that I wasn’t ready for 8 hours but I tricked myself into thinking I was. I started my one week of 8 hour shifts, all that I survived and that is when I drove myself in to the ground. I never voiced to anyone how painful it was to even stand for that long. I went from being okay to being in hell.  The worst is I had not slept much in the past few weeks so it was just mentally exhausting of even thinking of going to work and on top of that dealing with the pain. I just started to lose control of my emotions, my mental state and my life. I couldn’t deal with it. I feel like I shouldn’t complain so I just kept it to myself especially because I hate crying in front of people. I was taking naps anytime of the day even when I went down to 6 hour shifts; I still am because I am just so exhausted (I can’t even stay focused at work). The stress is just so overwhelming. My room is a mess and I don’t give shit and I go to work looking like shit and I don’t give a fuck…. I knew that is when I realized seriously there is something wrong going on in my mental state. I don’t where to turn. How could such a tiny thing make me spiral out of control to the point where I don’t who I am anymore to the point where I am stuck in a position that I can’t change it. I even had to cut my mom off because the stress was so over my head and that shocked me that I even would do something like that. Constantly stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted and in pain just makes me done with life in general because I can’t see the positive outcome anytime soon. I can’t even see that I need help but everyone tells me I need it. It’s like I am blind from what is right in front of me. How can that happen? How did I make something so precious has life slip out of my fingers? Should I feel guilty that I can’t work to my fullest ability and take it easy, I don’t know because my brain tells me to say things are fine. I hide the fact that I am hurting because I just feel like no one cares, truly why should they, why would they want to? How can people love me when I have so many problems? I have to deal with these questions cycling throughout my head even if I have the answers they don’t stick inside. I am just so done! So exhausted that I am struggling to keep my head up from drowning in mental and physical exhaustion.