I finding that a lot of people including my self struggle with knowing what is right and what is wrong. No one will make the right choices everytime. We were given these tough choices so we can learn something out of them. In  a lot of tough situations most people will go with their heart not their brain it is just human. Most times  we feel like mistakes are a bad thing. Do they need to be? Do we have to regret and build a wall between ourselves and forgivness? Why can't we just deal with with the consquences that are so minimal in the long run? And just let the lesson of the mistake be built in to our lives to teach others and make us stronger as people. If you were 92 years old and knew you were going to die any day there is no way you  would waste your time feeling regret, guilt or worry over a mistake. So why feel it when your young? What I am saying is everything you face has a lesson to be learnt. If you can't see it in your own shoes place yourselve in someone else's shoes.

Life is such a mix of emotions that I can’t explain. It is so overwhelming, I feel like my head is going to explode with thoughts. Sometimes I just want to escape outside of my own body just so I can just go back to being me. If I could cope with how I feel day to day with my depression it would be different, but I just don’t know how to. I am trying to learn to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but all I see is darkness. I feel so isolated.  Not because I am, but because my mind makes it out to be that way. I have always felt that I stood alone. That no one cares or understands how I am feeling, so I just learnt over time to stop talking about what is really going on inside. And now with the depression I feel even more alone. Alone in the way where I am stuck with my own thoughts cycling through my head and I feel like I don’t have the power to talk to anyone. Even though there are many people that care to listen. To me I wonder why they would care to listen about my problems. It is so hard to all of sudden become so weak mentally that I have had to start relying on people without even noticing most times. I feel weak because I am so overwhelmed even with the smallest things. I can’t even remember the simplest things, so I feel like some people just ignore me because it seems like I am not listening even though I am.  

It is like a monster has taken over me and I can’t get rid of the monster. This monster has altered me inside and out.  I know I am supposed to conquer it, but in the past couple weeks I feel like this ugly thing is killing me slowly, like it is eating me alive. The only thing that is keeping me alive is the constant support from the family I live with. Even though I feel like I am alone and spiraling out of control, they will always be there to lean on.

The one thing I have learnt this week is the awesomeness of believing. I might be in a dark hole right now with no light, but believing that one day I will wake up and I will see enough light to pick me off my feet is enough to get me through my days. Believing that my family is right there to catch me when I fall instead of ignoring their love warms my heart. Believing that I am not the only one that goes through this and has no clue how to deal with depression makes me a little happier. Even though right now I feel so overwhelmed with life that I can’t sleep, most days I don’t feel hungry, but I still eat and I can’t deal with the simple things that are placed in front of me . I still think to myself to believe, believe anything, but the bad. Does it always work, no, but enough to get me through another day.

This car accident has turned my life upside down. When I mean upside down I mean to the point where I am hitting rock bottom, losing control mentally. The car accident was like an atomic bomb that went off inside me, most would think that is an exaggeration, but to me that is how I feel. It’s like my body is in a million pieces and I just don’t have the time to pick them all up and find a way to piece them back together before the clocks up.  I have had many problems throughout my life, but this sent me overboard and I can’t even explain or understand myself. I still remember the day of the accident like it was yesterday. Sitting as the passenger in our minivan, as my aunt turns left I can see car clear as day coming right for us and there was no power to stop it. I remember sitting there in the seat thinking what the hell just happen was I dreaming or was that real? I can hear my aunt say I can’t move with such panic in her voice it was so scary to see someone barely able to stay conscious as I only can focus on my chest feeling like it is broken and I need to call anyone to tell them what just happen. As the girl jumps out of her car that went straight in to our van and repeating “ I am so sorry” with so much fear her eyes. I am sitting there trying to not focus on that while I sit shaking try getting a hold of a family member. In these next 5 minutes everything was such a blur because there was three men talking all at once and my aunt trying to get out of the van and her repeating that she can’t move her foot and it might be broken. I just wanted to get out of the van, but I felt so faintish. Once my aunt laid down in the back I went in to a panic attack because she was dripping blood, and barely speaking or staying awake. In that moment of shock I really had those feelings of fear like is she going to make it what is wrong with her especially when she is bleeding from her head. I heard the faint signs of the sirens, inside it were like relief because help was on its way. I just remember telling the fire fighter that I was fine even though I wasn’t I feel so stupid, I was just so concerned to lose someone so close. Once we got in the ambulance I felt so terrified and alone. The days just got worse from there which I knew was going to happen but I was not prepared as much I wish I was. Every night I cried myself to sleep which stop after a while but it was the only way I could deal mentally. I am not going to describe all the pain it was just very painful over the next week. The first day back to work was hell, I had to go home after two hours what an epic fail. In those 2 hours my shoulder just killed and I was so nervous trying to stay positive. I even broke a light bulb in front of everyone how embarrassing. I stayed on four hours shifts for another two weeks after that because I felt I needed to prove that I am fine. Why should I complain I am alive right? Well I got over the pain not saying it wasn’t there but I got into days were the pain faded even though all I felt like was doing was sleeping and not doing anything and I was on edge 24/7. That should have been a red flag that I wasn’t ready for 8 hours but I tricked myself into thinking I was. I started my one week of 8 hour shifts, all that I survived and that is when I drove myself in to the ground. I never voiced to anyone how painful it was to even stand for that long. I went from being okay to being in hell.  The worst is I had not slept much in the past few weeks so it was just mentally exhausting of even thinking of going to work and on top of that dealing with the pain. I just started to lose control of my emotions, my mental state and my life. I couldn’t deal with it. I feel like I shouldn’t complain so I just kept it to myself especially because I hate crying in front of people. I was taking naps anytime of the day even when I went down to 6 hour shifts; I still am because I am just so exhausted (I can’t even stay focused at work). The stress is just so overwhelming. My room is a mess and I don’t give shit and I go to work looking like shit and I don’t give a fuck…. I knew that is when I realized seriously there is something wrong going on in my mental state. I don’t where to turn. How could such a tiny thing make me spiral out of control to the point where I don’t who I am anymore to the point where I am stuck in a position that I can’t change it. I even had to cut my mom off because the stress was so over my head and that shocked me that I even would do something like that. Constantly stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted and in pain just makes me done with life in general because I can’t see the positive outcome anytime soon. I can’t even see that I need help but everyone tells me I need it. It’s like I am blind from what is right in front of me. How can that happen? How did I make something so precious has life slip out of my fingers? Should I feel guilty that I can’t work to my fullest ability and take it easy, I don’t know because my brain tells me to say things are fine. I hide the fact that I am hurting because I just feel like no one cares, truly why should they, why would they want to? How can people love me when I have so many problems? I have to deal with these questions cycling throughout my head even if I have the answers they don’t stick inside. I am just so done! So exhausted that I am struggling to keep my head up from drowning in mental and physical exhaustion.